The morning after the GrammYs, the other dope boy, my fiance, and I exchanged the following set of emails.
Jules Winfield (JW): Whitney Houston is dead? Seriously, I don’t want to talk about her at all. She did lots and lots of crack. She had one of the best voices I’ve ever heard. She did too much crack. Can we talk about the rest of the night?
SoHo: oh whitney…sigh.
JW: I have a theory about Adele but I’d like to get your reactions before I explain — I think people like her more because she’s a little overweight. This includes me. But why is this?
Jonweberchicago: (You realize that “JW” as an abbreviation for “Jules Winfield” is a little confusing with “Jonweberchicago”?) I agree, but I think most people won’t articulate it like that. My theory is that I think a lot of people are excited that somebody who looks a little different from the rest of the Hollywood crowd is making it big. It’s similar to the American
Idol effect too. Remember when that show first came out? People were so psyched because it could be just a normal person who lived next door to you, but he/she had what it takes to be a star. What’s your theory? But on the real, Adele can just sing her fat ass off.
JW: I realize how confusing the JW thing is. But let’s not do anything about it. So I guess my Adele theory is similar to what you’re saying about American Idol, but does it mean she should get a super-long standing ovation? I really like Adele, and you’re right, that girl can sing (just like Sexual Chocolate). But why didn’t Alicia Keys and Bonnie Rhait (sp?) get
a standing ovation that was as long as Adele’s? I think Alicia Keys might have a better voice, and plays the piano. Shit, I watched ‘A Very Gaga Thanksgiving,’ and thought her voice was sick! Adele’s voice isn’t that much better, but people like her more because she’s overweight. Should I like her less if she hires a personal trainer and loses a bunch of weight? I’m kind of insulted by it actually…and I’m not sure why. Maybe I think it’s condescending, like “we’ll give you extra love because you’re so awesome, and you’re overweight.” For the record, I think she’s pretty.
SoHo: In addition to her amazing voice, her music has more appeal than Alicia Keys.
Jonweberchicago: Should she get a longer ovation than Alicia or Bonnie? Only if she sings better. I have an idea about that, though. Late last year, Adele had surgery on her vocal chords to remove a polyp. I’ve heard about other singers having this before–with a lot of success–but I think her Grammy performance was her first since surgery. Americans go crazy for the “return from catastrophe” story. I don’t think that Adele will be hiring a personal trainer and slimming down to a size 4, just because that’s the
image the public worships. Especially after 6 grammys.
Jonweberchicago: Can we talk about the tragedy that is Kanye West getting 4 Grammys?
SoHo: as a fat girl, i’m not offended at all. all of the lights does things for me. oh and yes, we were pulling for lupe.
JW: Ugh, the horror of watch the throne…I’m glad neither Kanye or Jay-Z attended. But I am SUPER glad that Andre made a
razor commercial with Adrien Brody and Gabriel Garcia Bernal. Or I’m terrified. I can’t decide.
Jonweberchicago: I think that I’m glad that Watch the Throne did not win. Except for “Otis,” it was all Kanye’s solo stuff. But then again, that does debunk my theory that EVERYTHING that is wrong with Watch the Throne is Kanye’s fault.
JW: I am shocked
Amy Winehouse died. Otis is actually a bad song. And Rihanna was not good with Coldplay. But I like All of the Lights as well. Hmmmm, things don’t add up all the time. Speaking of adding up, Reba McIntire said something about the Grammies last night that made me nauseated! She said the Grammies, like nowhere else, bring people together from all over the world. Once I got over my nausea that happens with all of these awards shows — the self-aggrandizement of the movie/music/theatre industry — I started thinking of dream duos from across music genres. Andre with Pearl Jam? Band of Horse with Adele? I actually didn’t think Bon Iver worked out with Kanye…
Jonweberchicago: Haha. How about Lil Wayne and Josh Groban? They’re tight.
JW: Ha! What’d I’d really like to see is the Foo Fighters being forced to work with T-Pain or David Guetta. They might actually kill both of them. Do you think David Grohl hates rap, or house music, more? Jonweberchicago, if you missed it, Grohl’s acceptance speech was bascially “music is about learning an instrument and writing songs, NOT computers. So fuck all of you.” Basically
Jonweberchicago: I think Dave Grohl would kill T-Pain and enjoy it. Actually, I agree completely with his acceptance speech: “The human element of making music is what’s most important. Singing into a microphone and learning to play an instrument and learning to do your craft. That’s the most important thing to do…It’s not about what goes on in a computer. It’s about what goes on in here [heart and head].” I think he’s specifically talking to Kanye.
JW: Wait, you agree completely? What about some of the house shit you like, and Miiiiiiike Snow? You don’t think Grohl likes any rap? I definitely don’t think he likes Taio Cruz or PitBull.
Jonweberchicago: I agree completely with and appreciate his sentiment. There’s a lot of music that’s thin on substance. But I also think that some artists can approach electronic music like a craft too, and that it can be musical and expressive. And phat.
For the record, I love Miiiiiiiike Snow, Sasha, and others.
SoHo: i think computers are going to replace all musicians. why hasn’t that happened already?
Jonweberchicago: Really??
SoHo: a robot is dj’ing our wedding.
Jonweberchicago: That should go nicely with the decor at Keswick Hall. I can’t wait!
JW: Great, now everyone’s going to crash our robot DJ-d wedding. This conversation reminds me of an interlude on Stankonia…”dey say, a compooota’, can my job betta’ dan’ I can damn do it?! Po’ me anothu’ drank.” “Damn, I feel you.” BREAK!
JW: Grantland just released an article today of email conversations they had during the Grammies. since I stole the idea orignially from Simmons, I say we press on and ignore this.
Jonweberchicago: I forgot about that Stankonia interlude! It reminds me of the part from Common’s Resurrection: “This ain’t no motha fuckin’ cinema, bitch! Oh well. Ehhh, hay. Wasted again.” (As an aside, I listened to the entire “The Love Below” yesterday, which is incredible. When I get that far in my posts, I will praise Andre for being among the first rappers to use auto tune. Sorry, T-Pain.) Your idea proves that we should be guest writers for Grantland. Let’s push ahead. My favorite tweet from the Grammies, from Rembertmanx: “Taylor Swift looks like a poverty-stricken ragamuffin American Girl doll.”
JW: I just read through the Grantland convos. I learned a lot, like, you know, Grammies is spelled Grammys.
JW: And apparently the Whitney tribute was tastefully done. I guess Katy Perry had nothing to do with it. I also learned that her marriage to Russell Brand is off. The last stolen insight, which I found insightful, was a comment about how it appeared there are two distincly different music industries based on last night’s show: over-produced garbage, and Adele. No mention of our theory though. They need us!
Joneweberchicago: How many “Dove” soap commercials happened during the GrammY’s? Aren’t they all about “natural (overweight) beauty”?
JW: Ha, no. Dove commercials are about taking care of men’s skin dryness. I even bought the body wash and a luffe’! Well, SoHo did for me, because I was embarrassed.
JW: I just watched the Nicki Minaj performance. Reference earlier comment: it was not Adele.
JW: Are we done, like Whitney? Too soon?
Jonweberchicago: Naw, but it’s hard for me to watch Nicki Minaj at work. I guess the taxpayers encourage you to do that?
JW: It takes roughly 9 seconds for me to pull it up on youtube, and 3 seconds to know that I hate it. So 12 seconds to the taxpayer. I’m changing the title of this conversation to Our Night with Grammy.
Joneweberchicago: I just watched it. I wanted to turn it off after about 5 seconds. It’s terrible. BUT, there are three things I actually like about it. 1. She is really singing, which somehow doesn’t seem to be required for performers at a music awards show; 2. she samples “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story; and 3) she has a weird choir singing “O Come, All Ye Faithful” which just seems hilarious.
JW: Joyful and triumphant, o come ye, come ye to Be -ehhhh- eth- le- hem.
Jonweberchicago: I would say Most Improved Performance goes to Taylor Swift. She also wins the Best Use of Hurricane Katrina wreckage for her set and her band’s costumes. Is this a broadway show? Grapes of Wrath: The Musical?
JW: My conclusion is that the GrammYs actually insult me, because I kept getting offended by everything. Like Taylor Swift’s dress offended me — I thought she was mocking poor people. I’m done.
Jonweberchicago: In conclusion, rich people are offensive and fans of music are dumb. If only George Clooney could have been there to explain it all.
The morning after the GrammYs, the other dope boy, my fiance, and I exchanged the following set of emails. 
Jonweberchicago: I think Dave Grohl would kill T-Pain and enjoy it. Actually, I agree completely with his acceptance speech: “The human element of making music is what’s most important. Singing into a microphone and learning to play an instrument and learning to do your craft. That’s the most important thing to do…It’s not about what goes on in a computer. It’s about what goes on in here [heart and head].” I think he’s specifically talking to Kanye.
two dope boys in a Cadillac 