Oscars 2012

The two dope boys live chatted the Oscars last night.  For the first and last time.

 

jonweberchicago [jon]: Oscars 3012!

Jules Winfield [JW]: i’ve been warming up on E. the channel, for clarification. what the dictator did to ryan seacrest was the highlight. i saw it live

 

SO [fiancee] just asked why penelope cruz is balding.

 

jon: It almost looked like she had a comb over.

 

JW: uh oh. SO said she also looked gorgeous.  When is mad men starting again? john hamm makes me want to buy a mercedes SUV. and watch mad men

 

8:00 PM

 

jon: She did look gorgeous, except for the comb over.  I’m watching the red carpet coverage on ABC. On mute.

 

JW: should we do some early predictions? here are my top five things i’m looking forward to: 1) george clooney; 2) jean du jardin’s mime silent acceptance speech 3) cirque; 4) and…um, well, that’s it i think

 

jon: What, no Billy Crystal monologue?  What are the odds on a Whitney Houston tribute, somewhere in the show?  I’ll see your George Clooney.  I’m disappointed that Glen Close didn’t come to the Oscars dressed at Albert Nobbs

 

Just tweeted by @jacko2323: “Bad call by Sandra Bullock to use Joan Rivers’ doctor for her facelift.”

 

JW: i dont know anything about albert nobbs. was i supposed to do research? sorry, thai food just showed up. so celebs said who they’re rooting for. i’m rooting for george, jonah, girl with the dragon tattoo — the girl, midnight in paris. and the muppets

 

jon: I agree with those picks. I also like Gary Oldman.  I’m assuming that Tom Hanks is growing a goatee for a movie.

 

8:29 PM 

 

JW: i thought hanks looked good. nice to see julia roberts, on a commercial for her next horrible movie.  about to start…and why i am talking so much about how the guys looked???

 

SO: b/c the most beautiful woman on the planet is sitting next to you.

 

JW: concur.  uh, freeman! whitney tribute already??  that might be wrong…like racially speaking

 

jon: Haha. Nicely played.

 

JW: billy was aight. thought the jokes were better than the singing

 

jon: really? I was sort of impressed with the ease of his singing

 

JW: sam elliott with long white hair!!!!!  Never seen a harry potter movie, ever. never will

 

SO: why does michelle williams always look like she’s about to cry?

 

JW: i want to see Hugo

 

jon: Didn’t see it either

 

JW: meryl streep hasn’t won an oscar since 1982? that is surprising. what also is surprising is that she’s the same age

 

jon: There will be a Whitney reference (Bodyguard) in this montage.  What?? No Bodyguard?

 

JW: disgrace.  she’s smoking crack in heaven b/c she’s so pissed

 

jon: I like the costumes that Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz are wearing

 

JW: i thought hugo was animated, and i’m pretty sure jane eyre keeps coming out every year.

 

jon: Haha. It’s that good that it’s remade year after year

 

JW: jane eyre in 3D next year

 

jon: “I was a kid from Niagara falls that dreamed and ate movies…and women’s fashion.” Jane Eyre with the blue guys from Avatar

 

JW: i’m already bored. WOW. what was that butt thing with j Lo and c diaz?  pharrell is trying to “mix it up”

 

9:00 PM 

 

morgan freeman is a golfer.  tom cruise looks old.  what’s the better job: actor or professional sports anchor?

 

jon: I think that was supposed to be Charlie’s Angels.  If you’re a good actor, I say actor.  If you’re mediocre, definitely sports anchor

 

JW: i think sports anchor, except you can smoke a lot of dope if you’re an actor. should that matter?

 

jon: No matter

 

JW: anchor

 

jon: I think Christian Bale should have presented this award in his Batman outfit. I’d be less bored

 

JW: standing ovation for best supporting actress? thank you alabama!

 

jon: So are you a little offended that she is likely getting a standing ovation because she is a crying black woman?

 

JW: uh oh, pharell is back. um, no, i wasn’t thinking that. but i just didnt know that her performance was THAT outstanding

 

jon: Really? No Pharell in chicago

 

JW: he’s in the theater dude. in the opera box playing the drums or something

 

jon: Ha. Sorry, I was watching the electric violin player

 

JW: to the side of the stage — what do you call that box? i’ve never really thought those were great seats. why do they put them there?

 

jon: Easy. Because that’s a perfect place to literally look down on the artists

 

JW: but dont you want to look at them, and not at the tops of their heads? dude, the all star game is on

 

jon: Is it time to switch back and forth between basketball?  Will that make both a little more interesting? 

 

JW: yes — d wade just got called for an intentional foul. ha. on kobe. hit him in the face. now kobe is bleeding!!! this is great. it’s the all star game

 

jon: Isn’t it supposed to be a civilized contest?

 

JW: kobe looks pissed. this is great

 

jon: The fake Wizard of Oz focus group is dumb, but I love Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy, and co.

 

JW: christopher guest thing was funny. HA. who is stacy keebler?

 

jon: Have no idea, bro

 

JW: everyone talks about her like she’s famous. let’s go back to the opera box — do you think those are the best seats in the theater?

 

jon: No, that’s the ironic thing. They’re often not great seats, for sound anyway. It’s a very commanding view though

 

JW: commanding, nice usage of an action verb to describe the view. the box needs to move. let’s start an occupy opera box movement

 

jon: Where would you move the box?

 

JW: center, suspended in the theater from the ceiling, like the football camera that roams the field.  banging out the editing categories — going to all star game. SO has already gone to bed. well done oscars

 

jon: Riveting. Ahh, like the cable cam in an NFL game?

 

JW: yes, exactly. your box moves with the protagonist

 

jon: With catered food and open bar

 

JW: every activity forever always should have catered food and open bar

 

9:30 PM 

 

jon: Agreed!  Wait, was that Pharell?

 

JW: at the all star game? or in a commercial? pharrell is everywhere

 

jon: Omnipresent

 

JW: omnipotent. bosh just hit the side of the backboard with a three from the corner

 

jon: Did you see the slam dunk contest?

 

JW: no, nothing. who won? tom tibedeau (sp?) is playing all the heat guys all game…tiring them out for the season.

 

jon: Jeremy Evans won with a double dunk.  The Ricky Rubio fed Derrick Williams dunk was my favorite

 

JW: cirque!!

 

jon: There may have to be another post about the Summer of 1998 Cirque show in Chi-Town.

 

JW: that was too short. i think cirque is the most entertaining entertainment out there. and we were there from the beginning — ’98

 

jon: entertaining entertainment. action verb. I am sorry to say I haven’t heard of any of the nominated Documentaries. Did he just say “Sean Combs, executive producer”?

 

JW: yea, i learned that is true from my E research. chris rock should be hosting

 

jon: I like how he turns his stand up voice on and off

 

JW: so b/c SO has 11 and 9 yr old niece and nephews, i’ve seen a lot of these animated movies. puss n boots was aight

 

jon: your favorite?

 

JW: didnt see rango. they seriously are trying to make this the most boring show possible, aren’t they?

 

jon: The only reason that Samsung commercial is interesting is that the music is from Lost in Translation

 

JW: i need to re-watch that movie. it’s been a while. i’m scared now that it won’t mean as much to me

 

jon: That might be worth the risk. I think it could hold up. Or that it brings back all that we were thinking 10 years ago.

 

JW: emma stone lost me, then got me back, then lost me all in her 30 second presentation. but her connection with jonah hill, which goes back to superbad, makes everything ok

 

Jon: I agree. Boop.  Do you think Martin Scorsese is getting tired of the awards by now?

 

JW: he’s getting tired of this acceptance speech. i saw the beginners.  it’s good. c plummer will win

 

jon: I didn’t see it, but thought it looked good.

 

JW: deserved standing O

 

jon: Pretty classy speech too

 

JW: nice speech.  oh no, pharell!!

 

jon: There’s whitney!!

 

JW: yea, old people have really good perspective, or just more practice. WHITNEY. subtle. going to walk dude [the dog]…seriously. there is just nothing going on

 

jon: No formal training in music –> Oscar in original score. (I’m trying hard, bro)

 

JW: ha — that really gets you

 

jon: That’s fine that he didn’t have formal training. But it’s not fine to glorify that

 

JW: i’m glad i didnt walk out yet

 

jon: Will Ferrell and Zack G to save the show?

 

JW: funny, but way too short

 

jon: White tuxes and gloves. Flight of the Conchords is brilliant

 

10:30 PM

 

JW: in the production meeting, they were like: ok, our best two presenters all night will be will ferrell and zach G. so let’s have them present shorter than emma stone. and cirque will be the most entertaining, so let’s have them go 45 seconds. and let’s drag out everything else, like the emma stone presentation, and billy crystal’s song.  ok, now i’m going for a walk

 

jon: Goodnight, Oscars?  I had no idea that George Clooney was a co-screen writer for Ides of March.  Which probably reinforces the man-crush

 

JW: i didnt know that either. i hope pharrell is high.  i thought ides was pretty good. i actually thought it should have been longer. i liked all the characters, really well acted

 

jon: I’d say there’s a good chance he’s high. No reason not to be, if he’s sitting in the opera box for the entire show, playing drums

 

JW: i think that’s what they’ve asked him to do. confined to the box. in is E interview before the show, he basically said the oscars has a lot of rules, and wouldnt let him do anything he wanted to do

 

jon: what did he want to do that made them confine him to a box?

 

JW: i drank some jefferson bourbon last night. had it? really good

 

jon: No. There are so many craft distillers now. It’s hard to know where to start.  Kristin Wiig and Maia Rudolph. Obviously told to keep it under 15 seconds

 

JW: it must be hard to put together previews of the short films. i think i’ve seen all of the shore now — preview then winning montage

 

jon: Ha!

 

JW: god is the bigger elvis? what?!

 

jon: none of that makes sense. Two films from Muslim countries win oscars. Never would have happened under GWB. I almost don’t believe that they allow the short film people to give acceptance speeches. Come on, make a longer movie!

 

JW: do you think it’s like the minor leagues? if you make a good short, we’ll let you make a full film. or is it totally different, like you only make short films forever

 

jon: Ha. Maybe.

 

JW: they are just re-playing the all star game on tnt. i’m in

 

jon: You think that if you’re really good at short films, somebody would want you to make a longer one

 

JW: i always like michael douglas.  my favorite m douglas movie: wonder boys

 

jon: Good movie. I know you love it

 

JW: oh no. i hope the artist doesn’t go on a run

 

jon: Hugo has won all its awards for the night?

 

JW: hugo is done

 

jon: I’d like to see a dark horse

 

JW: but not war horse. ever

 

jon: no. not war horse. terrible idea for a movie that was barely made watchable by Spielburg and John Williams

 

JW: where is the dictator sitting? did you see him pour kim jong il’s ashes on ryan seacrest?

 

jon: Whitney. Again. That girl can sing. haha. No. But I love it

 

11:00 PM

 

jon: just watched it on YouTube. Hilarious.

 

JW: really funny. seacrest had no clue.  who the hell is that?

 

jon: I liked seeing the security guards pull him away. On and on Badu? [actually Esperanza Spalding]

 

JW: steve jobs?

 

jon: Confused???

 

JW: you cant even kinda get there. because you can watch movies on your iPad? if that’s the case, where’s the guy that created the television, the movie screen, and blockbuster

 

jon: And popcorn

 

JW: in memoriam M&Ms

 

jon: Requiem twizzlers

 

JW: the samsung smart tv looks ridiculously cool

 

jon: Tom Cruise is sitting on a very tall stool in this montage

 

JW: ed norton insists upon himself

 

jon: Did you see A Better Life?

 

JW: no, but now i want to

 

jon: I do too

 

JW: dude is barking at the artist clip b/c of the dog.  dat movie aint silent!

 

jon: Come on, Dude

 

JW: i want to see tinker tailor soldier spy too

 

jon: It was good.  I wish it was longer. I think someone just woke Pharell up. And who the hell is that keyboard player singing?

 

JW: haha — that guy from slumdog millionaire?

 

jon: I thought it was the “She’s Your Queen To Be” guy [from Coming to America]

 

JW: bark like a dog

 

jon: woof. woof.  Did you know Rooney Mara is the granddaughter of Steelers’ owner Art Rooney?

 

JW: are you serious?  i hope she wins

 

jon: Mara or Meryl?

 

JW: mara

 

jon: Breakout performance for Mara, definitely.

 

10:30 PM 

 

jon: Interesting that the most effusive introductions for actors and actresses didn’t win (A Better Life actor and The Help actress)

 

JW: i thought this category was strong

 

jon: Definitely. Really? Tom Cruise presents best picture??

 

JW: rdj was funny for his doc thing

 

jon: rdj?

 

JW: robert downey jr

 

jon: What’s your guess for Best Pic?

 

JW: artist i guess

 

jon: The Help. You win.

 

JW: the artist this year, the king’s speech last year. i havent seen a movie that really moved me like some used to…and i cant figure out if it’s me or the movies that are coming out

 

jon: I think criteria have changed. Must have

 

JW: the best movie i saw this year was 50/50. the movie that prob meant the most to me over the past five years is superbad. that’s weird, right?

 

jon: What was the last movie that moved you? Superbad?

 

JW: yea, superbad. i laughed so hard, thought it was so funny. holds up, i still like watching it. i quote it all the time. i pull for seth rogen. what was that jeff bridges country music movie where he won an oscar? i really enjoyed that — crazy horse? i think that was it.  anyway, wasted again. pharrell stole the show. i’m out for the night. we will never ever ever live chat the oscars again

 

jon: The only reason we’d ever live chat the Oscars is if we’re high and sitting next to Pharell. Of course, I love Superbad. Maybe an odd choice, but I think the last movie that stuck with me longer than expected was Up in the Air.

 

JW: i agree with you actually, up in the air was v close

 

jon: On several levels. Well acted in many roles. And the interviews with the people who had just lost their jobs made it powerful in another way

 

ROLL CREDITS