There’s no sense in softening it: dating as a thirty-something in 2012 is terrible. Maybe I don’t hang out in all the right places. Maybe I devote a little too much of my time and energy to my work life and not quite enough to my personal life. Maybe I just haven’t met “The One.”* But we’re not going to talk about those things right now. Instead, we’re going to talk about one–and only one**–pretty terrible but pretty significant dynamic of dating in your 30s: short-term vs. long-term attraction. Or put a little more scientifically, being hot vs. being interesting.
Realistically, the thirty-something dating pool is completely skewed. I would divide them into four categories:
- Not-so-attractive but fascinatingly interesting. This accounts for an estimated 39% of the dating pool.
- Hot but completely uninteresting. If you’re writing an online dating profile and it begins with “Love to laugh,” this category might apply to you. This accounts for an estimated 28% of the dating pool.
- Unattractive and uninteresting. Sadly, these people are destined either to find some equally boring and ugly or be alone forever. 25% and rising.
- Legitimately hot and really interesting. 7% and shrinking. Amidst the other 93%, chances are high that you will either a) not find one of them, or b) be so overwhelmed or depressed by the rest of the dating pool that you could easily give up before finding one of them. I have met a few of these people; they’re all married.
OK, maybe it’s a little too simplistic to think that everyone falls clearly into one of these categories. Maybe it’s more like a spectrum (Fig. 1).
Fig. 1
Or an X/Y graph (Fig. 2).
Fig. 2
It doesn’t really matter. What is REALLY important is your approach to the field, given this reality. What is the best approach for you to find happiness?
For a long time, I’ve thought that interesting can beat out hotness. That a foundation of intrigue, respect, and mutual understanding will outlast physical attraction. I know that I need to admire the person I’m with. And where has that gotten me? Interesting dates with women who I’m just not attracted to. So…it’s gotten me nowhere.
Maybe it’s time for a new strategy. Maybe interest isn’t all that important. Maybe that can grow over time and through shared experience. Given the startling increase in category 3 above (unattractive and uninteresting), maybe I should play the odds and go with category 2: hot but uninteresting. At this point, I’m just about willing to bet that hotness can distract me from blandness.
Does this mean that I’ve given up? That I’m sacrificing my ideals or that I’m trying any less hard? No way. It’s honesty and realism. So, honestly Jesus, Aphrodite, Cupid, Santa Claus, Andre 3000, or any hot blog readers out there…can somebody please help a playa out just a little bit?!?
Footnotes:
* I firmly believe–as an intelligent, sensitive, committed, and extremely eligible 33 year-old–that the idea that there is “one” perfect person out there for everyone is total bullshit. It’s an intoxicating ideal.
** This is ONE dynamic of the dating game, but it’s certainly not the only one. Don’t be upset at me for putting it out there. Maybe I’ll get to the others in subsequent posts. Maybe I won’t.
two dope boys in a Cadillac 